November 29, 2011
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Last night, I had an unusual dream. I am not sure what makes a dream unusual, I mean, they aren’t usually 100% realistic. Usually, I can’t describe mine. I can totally picture them, and feel them – but description lacks the felt sense of the dream.
Last night, one of my dreams felt profound. It was set at a place my brain has set for dreams in the past (but when I went looking for a feature that had appeared in some past dream, it was different – my brain does that to keep me on my toes) So, I was staying at some place, that SEEMED to be like an inpatient thing for eating disorders, but it was more like a place for you to go if you had been eating disordered in the past. It was like a check in place, making sure you were still cool in your non eating disorderedness. Anyway, the timing wasn’t clear. I wasn’t aware of a sense of Tom – that reality was suspended. I don’t remember any individuals in the dream, just that there were ‘other girls’ in the programme, and there were staff.
In the dream I went for a walk down the road, a quiet road, not unfamiliar but I think a road/path in my dream universe. (Honestly, its like watching cable, someone tapping into my dreams would make a fortune in random trippy ongoing storylines) and Something Happened. The detail was entirely not part of the dream, but i knew that I had been raped.It was like floating back to the programme, with a sense of trying to prepare myself to tell people what had happened. I didn’t want to admit it, and the details are blurry, apart from the sense of confusion that others were entirely outraged and horrified on my behalf and I just didn’t know how to process this, like, I was expecting vitriol.
I don’t know how to exactly and authentically explain why this was profound…except yesterday I had this thought that parts of me that I had been thinking I need to fix, maybe they are OKAY. Maybe, really, I am just OK!!!
