How do you find comfort in your own mind??

Last night, I had an unusual dream. I am not sure what makes a dream unusual, I mean, they aren't usually 100% realistic. Usually, I can't describe mine. I can totally picture them, and feel them - but description lacks the felt sense of the dream.

Last night, one of my dreams felt profound. It was set at a place my brain has set for dreams in the past (but when I went looking for a feature that had appeared in some past dream, it was different - my brain does that to keep me on my toes) So, I was staying at some place, that SEEMED to be like an inpatient thing for eating disorders, but it was more like a place for you to go if you had been eating disordered in the past. It was like a check in place, making sure you were still cool in your non eating disorderedness. Anyway, the timing wasn't clear. I wasn't aware of a sense of Tom - that reality was suspended. I don't remember any individuals in the dream, just that there were 'other girls' in the programme, and there were staff.

In the dream I went for a walk down the road, a quiet road, not unfamiliar but I think a road/path in my dream universe. (Honestly, its like watching cable, someone tapping into my dreams would make a fortune in random trippy ongoing storylines) and Something Happened. The detail was entirely not part of the dream, but i knew that I had been raped.It was like floating back to the programme, with a sense of trying to prepare myself to tell people what had happened. I didn't want to admit it, and the details are blurry, apart from the sense of confusion that others were entirely outraged and horrified on my behalf and I just didn't know how to process this, like, I was expecting vitriol.

I don't know how to exactly and authentically explain why this was profound...except yesterday I had this thought that parts of me that I had been thinking I need to fix, maybe they are OKAY. Maybe, really, I am just OK!!!

ohhhhhhh

Welcome back to my brain!!! I've emerged, fortunately and unfortunately, different. I've had to think more, be aware of more. Losing your ability to string a sentence together is a little profound.

I'm learning alot. I've been blogging on blogger but it is about horses - well, my zen focus on Mindful Riding. I shall share the link. Just in case. Three posts so far.

So today was a little overly dramatic. Normal sort of day. Towards the end, got a call that my darling horse, my Lou, was caught in a fence. I had to drive to pick Tom up from daycare, to get home to her. I didn't know what I was going to find. My usual Awesome in an Emergency Persona left me entirely. I cried with raw fear all the way home. THANK GOD she is OK. I hugged her and cried, and let people see me cry, and it was just normal.

Just about to go home, Marek phones me. What am I doing, he is local. I say, come to my house, lets have a wine. I give him my address. Some time after, I hear a fast car. I see his fast car disappear up the road. I text him "hey you egg, assumethat you, I'm the white house with the red roof". No reply. I miss a call. I call him back. Don't get him. Wonder what he is doing up my road. Has he had an accident? He phones me. "Um, I've destroyed my car". I drive up there. Lucky to be alive. Long story short - he left in a police car, I gave him a hug and involuntarily kissed his neck. He phoned me after they processed him at the police station for drink driving - I can't judge, I've done it, I'm just glad I guess that his lesson didn't involve death. I make sure he is OK - he is being picked up. I wish I could be holding him. Gah. As a friend, mind!!!

Managed to curb my alcoholism, haha. Balance, balance.

Lessons to be learned all around.

MAYBE I should start one of those youtube blogs where Idon't have to think about writing. I'm not lazy - I'm finger blocked. I write in my head.

So 5-6 weeks ago, normal night at home. Bit of telly, chatting online, reading a book, drinking wine. Time for bed. I follow the usual routine. Last thing, turn off a light in the laundry. Sort of lurch around, too much wine.... hear a crack... a loud crack. Turns out it is my skull hitting the door frame. Turns out the warm feeling was the blood.

Didn't think it was the hugest deal. Until two days later when I was a total mess. Fell asleep at work, woke up suddenly, scratched my face - more blood. I decide I shall go home. I decide I shall go to the doctor first. He takes one look at me, Concussion.

For two weeks, I was a total mess. Trouble talking. Falling asleep.

Truth is, I'm still a mess.

Truth is, I haven't let my poor brain heal.

Truth is, I'm drinking too much, really.

I refuse to make a deal out of it. I will just sort it. I make a deal out of everything. don't even want to write it here.

Anyway. Mental energy to write on here - progress, yay!!!

Head injury - scary shit.

Recovering from concussion... will write when I can string a sentence together again!!