April 18, 2012
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It is 8pm and I am in bed. Obviously not sleeping, but if I wasn't feeling an internal tug I would at least have the lamp off and be moping myself to sleep. Today has been long and busy and full of things I didn't particularly like. People at work were shitheads. I had a meeting with my OT where I got to be reminded that although I am improving, I am head injured and not my old self. The meetings always make me want to cry. I kept going out to my car in the afternoon for a swig of wine, which seemed totally normal when I did it, but appears entirely fucked up as I type it now! Then, this evening, I had to bury one of the sweet, sweet stable cats who had an accident recently. She let me nurse her for a week, but then disappeared mid last week. Her body was found today. I have been sad about her anyway, so finding her wasn't worse. I was glad to bury her. I made her a little cross.
I used to find it way to easy to write endlessly about my moods and emotions. The more gritty and cathartic the better- one could use more adjectives and one likes adjectives. Now, really, I am just embarrassed. I feel way more inclined to keep things a secret now. Partly I do think that I am always scared that if someone realises that I am not perfect, then they will think that I am not a good mother - although really, I don't care what 'people' think... so perhaps I am worried to think to myself that I am not a good mother. I am always so very mindful of my memories of my mothers moods as a child - her sadness seems to pervade so many of my memories and seems to sit right there beside my anxiety. I'm quite fanatical about ensuring that Tom does not have a childhood like that! I want to teach him how to experience negative emotions and thoughts too of course - but at the moment, it seems way more appropriate to sing and pull funny faces to make him laugh - his laughter is good for both of us. Plus, who knows, my awesome songs about big yellow diggers and chainsaws and train tunnels may make us our fortune if a talent scout hears them! Despite that, though, 'this' takes me inside myself and away from really connecting with him. I sit too often with a sense that when he grows up and gets to know me, he may not love me the way that biology has ensured he does now. He really is so, so cute and precious. I am smiling just thinking of him. Two years old now!! Two! How does that happen, seriously.
I think, really, that lying to everyone about how much I drink is what has hidden me away in my head.
Comments (2)
sal, you are a good mother. i can see it in every picture in tom’s eyes and in your eyes. you don’t have it in you to be a “not good” mother. drinking, that can be dealt with if you think it’s an issue. but the love you put out there for tom and everyone around you, how you make everyone laugh, smile….that is what counts. you are you and you are not your mother. though you know she loves you too, may just have a different nature and way of being. but still. you are you and that is what i love. even before you were a mother. ~ i’m so sorry about the kittie. i felt that and almost cried myself. you’ve got a wonderful head and heart and are a beautiful spirit. i hope you keep sharing. i want all you can give us.
"I am always scared that if someone realises that I am not perfect, then they will think that I am not a good mother."
This may be the very first time it's hit me that my mother probably felt that way, too. And that every mother, at some point or another, feels that way. You'd have to, if at any time you considered being perfect was a requirement of motherhood--or anything else.
But the thing is, you CAN'T be perfect--not ever. I have this quote that's been in my head for weeks that basically says "excellence is inspiring; perfection is demoralizing." Trying to achieve something impossible is self-sabotage. It would be like saying, "I'm not a good person until I can breathe underwater."
Fuck everyone else, Sal. You'll never measure up trying to please the masses. But if you're thoughtful (which you are) and trying (which you are), and if you steer well clear of appearances on reality tv, you'll figure things out any way you need to. Loving Tom and wanting the best for him will keep you on the right track, even if it's not always the most obvious or simple one.
x.g.