April 21, 2012
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This morning I woke early again..by again, I mean the third morning in a row. Maybe second. Ha. As I stayed snuggled in bed with a particularly warm, snuggly Eddy, I allowed my brain to sift and process Things. My dreams primed me for some productive thinking - full of thought provoking encounters with Ghosts of Therapists Past. I have an interesting collection, and they do not usually appear in same dream together, so assumed they were trying to tell me something. (something less boring than the instructions from current therapist people along lines of Rest and Nap and Don't Drink) I had a think about why I am well, depressed at the moment. Obviously I'm not a stranger to various degrees of nutbaggery, but they have usually been more of the ansty jittery anxiety type. I think that any bouts of the doldrums have usually been accompanied by erm, energetic weight loss attempts which really do require a certain amount of effort and in some strange way, enthusiasm.
I think I know why. I finally grew up and took responsibility for myself, which is wayyyyyyyyy less exciting than expecting someone to step in and take over and fix things. I gave up the childish kernal of hope that the mother I appear to think that I missed out on would appear and make everything that has ever happened mean something different. I realised that no matter how much I try to understand things and piece things together and make peace with things, every aspect of my past will still be the same, and there are certainly parts of me shaped by that past that are just ME. Understanding more about edoesn't make it different.
I don't need to get over anything, I need to get ON with everything. Work with what I have. Which, looking in the mirror, is frankly disappointing. With the abandonment of hope comes the grainy realisation that I really am not that much. I would much prefer to return to my previous Illusions of Grandeuer. (where hasthe spellcheck button gone? Can no longer spell)
It is probably assumed that when most people blog, they aren't drunk, so it seems to be a bit idiotic that I feel the need to point out that I am not drinking! And didn't last night. I'm quite chuffed with self when I don't- I really try to NOT every day lately, due t the fact that I became fat. It is conceivable that this weight gain could have contributed tothis dpression, now that I don't have the seduction of ed stuff luring me with any conviction. The voice of reason is too clear,now. Meh.
Comments (1)
"I finally grew up and took responsibility for myself, which is wayyyyyyyyy less exciting than expecting someone to step in and take over and fix things."
Agreed. And it's less exciting than letting everything go to shit.
I suspect people reading this would want to reply to your "I am really not that much" with protests and reassurances, but I feel like I know exactly what you mean. Most of us are fairly insignificant (on some level, all of us) and I feel like we need to spend more time figuring that out. People are so fixated on being special snowflakes (and "unique" and "creative") they forget that they are surrounded by a million other special snowflakes. But at the point when you realize you probably don't have some Great Destiny, you can actually get on with living your life and being nicer to all the other insignificant types.
I'm really not that much either, Sal. And as I step up and take responsibility for myself, I am disappointed with the dullness of it, too. But, then again, I'm also a bit relieved I am insignificant enough to choose to live for myself and the people I love. It's a a relief when you see the actual scope of your authority is very very limited.
x.g.
PS: am not drunk either. HEH.