there seems to be a pattern in my blogging. Well, a repeat. Last week, this week. I'm easily convinced.

So, I went to see my therapist on Tuesday. It was hard for me, in my head, although the discussion wasn't distressing. Being challenged is never comfortable, and is never what you want at the time. She has come up trumps again, with a subconscious resurgance days later - ideas that I think I reject, suddenly popping up again and apparently I have already processed it.

Today, I had an uninteresting battle with myself over eating. Or not. Suddenly, her bloody words were in my head. The consequences change. Once you get better (head injury energy, etc) it won't be an issue. I heard myself replying in 100% anorexic responses. I argued with myself, and I felt that old guilt and shame and embarrament rise up. Although it didn't make it any less uncomfortable, the awareness/dejavu of the futlity of my dumb arguements are obvious. Enough to think about howgood I will feel to take control - that giving myself over to the predictable regime of an ed is NOT control, well, not a control that I want. I suddenly remembered how great I felt last year in myself. I DO want to feel that again.

Tonight, I don't know if it is enough to convince me to eat dinner, but it is certainly a shift.

And I have never known so many swift shifts before. Hurrah therapy - hurrah timeframes. Maybe it is good that things aren't open ended, this time around.

I woke this early morning and lay snug in my bed thinking about things until I had to get up. It was productive thinking that I wish I had written down immediately! I had started thinking about Amanda's questioning about the trigger of my current low mood - she had wondered if it was about the questions I had posed of myself last year around my conscious rejection of the 'idea' of a romantic relationship in my life. Whether I had a sense of something missing now. 

The answer to this question first of all - mulled over at length, is that I have decided to not care. Perhaps it is 'damage' that makes me uninterested in a relationship again, but whether the lack of motivation to question myself over this is also damage could be overthinking - in fact, HAS to be overthinking. My official stance on the matter is that unless I meet someone who forces me to rethink, it is an non issue - there are too many other things in my life that I have right NOW that give me happiness to give something like that any priority. I might regret it one day (and many people think that I will) but I might regret lots of things... in every choice you make there is the potential for regret. I have thought it through, I might be damaged, I might be wrong, but I DO think it is a mindful choice. 

So - after reaching this conclusion, I thought to myself, well, what IS missing? Something has to be missing. Of course something is missing - and of course I seem to look for it, or long for it, or feel the lack of it. What IS IT?

My instinct was to say "a mother" - and I think that would have been the right answer for a long time throughout my life. I have a mother, of course, one whom I love very much - and we now have a good relationship - but partly this good relationship has been achieved by the necessity of me (and maybe us) effectively wiping clean the slate of about a decade of volatility. There is a box in the back of my brain with unanswered hurts and questions, but I have accepted that these are not likely to be addressed. That is ok - they aren't exactly overwhelming anymore. 

But is isn't that anymore. I look at what I have looked to say, Amanda for, over the more recent years. Trying to put that into words I first found "someone to go to" - but that wasn't right. I have had HER to go to, I have had other people to 'go to'. I rephrased it - "someone to phone up in tears". Perfect. I want someone to phone up in tears. 

Then I realised. I do have those people in my life. I have people, other than Amanda, who would take a call from me, in tears, and do their best to make things better, or just BE THERE. 

The problem is ME. I don't phone them in tears. My rare tears are usually censored by even myself. I am more likely to do something destructive and out of proportion, than to expose certain types of vulnerability. There have been very good reasons for this in the past but my Latest Self Help Challenge is to truly grasp that this defense mechanism NO LONGER SERVES ME. 

This piece of writing, and the piece of writing last night, both allllllllllmost flowed. A couple of pauses as I searched for words, but I don't think that I have had to hit backspace once! Whoot! My brain really feels like it is starting to work and it has been sooooo long. I am also slightly perked up by the fact that therapy is doing its subtle work inside my mind again - but faster than I thought! I didn't think that there was a way for me to feel 'better' in a few sessions, but I am trusting again. I really am so lucky to have someone to work with who knows which questions need to be planted in my brain.

So, it is with some small degree of energy that I face my Friday - the thoughts that things WILL be OK again, and that my life isn't without happiness, both actually do hold comfort. 

So, I'm coming back. 

One of my biggest flaws (in my mind) is my total lack of mental discipline for things that do not interest me. My ability to be distracted is almost subclinical, it is the driving force behind my grand under achievement in life. My attention span is fleeting at best and I have learned, over the years, to be quite picky about the things that I apply my streak of perfectionism too. So it is with some incredulity that I am able to report that in the last week or so I have productively Done My Job. All of it. As it turns out, it isn't that hard at all. Very possibly easier than avoiding work - something that I am a master at. The beauty of it is that as well as being able to smugly provide people with answers to their work related questions, I have been able to progress at a pleasing pace in Bubble Witch Saga. PLUS - I seem to have been able to NOT take a midday nap all week, which mayormaynotbe related to the increasing, echoing distance from my last drink. Ok, so it has only been 5 days, but hey, look at me being sensible. Behaviour being effectively reinforced with my noticable weight loss. Hurrah.

Another flaw that seems to be spotlit at present is my tendancy to 'over think' things. It has never really bothered me, ever. The process of my head injury treatment has laid bare my personality traits and behavioural quirks, my strengths, and things that apparently may compromise my recovery. It has been a quite hateful experience, making me terribly glad that I have been quite blessed with some quite fabulous therapists over time. The OT that works with me is lovely - the neurologist was nice - it was only the neuropsychologist who enraged me - but the knowledge of people DISCUSSING me is quite unnerving. The good thing is that I have been able to get some sessions with Amanda funded by the concussion service.

My feelings about therapy these days are quite mixed. I haven't quite settled down to how I view the process now - I wasn't expecting to be plunged into a 'bad patch' so abruptly and I feel very embarrassed about the things that I find myself sharing. Being a mother changes so much - being a good mother, the BEST mother is my biggest priority, so I am ashamed at the self indulgent feelings and thoughts that I can't ignore. I feel ashamed to admit to feeling sad - even with the pure joy of Tom in my life. It drives my darkness underground, which is why I have committed to these few sessions with Amanda before she goes on maternity leave again - maybe stop things getting deep rooted. I told her some of my most embarrassing thoughts yesterday when I met with her - I may have to tell her them again to ensure they don't build up any power inside my head. I don't entirely understand why, but I can say that I do feel more positive since I spoke with her yesterday - an inkling more positive.

Things are various shades of mundane presently. Less chaotic furious though, and less sniffly pity party. I have been entertaining the notion of looking on the bright side of things and maybe reframing things, and maybe stepping up and doing things about the things that I CAN change. Apply a bit more balance, and control, over the way things are going.

I had a therapy session on Monday and like all good therapy sessions, the moments of awareness have come later - the actual content was very much along the lines of me moaning about my First World Problems. (Reminds me of that hilarious moment in star trek - oh the shame - where Counselor Troi suggests to her client that the reason her boss is being unfair to her is because he is tired of listening to her complain. Haha. "I certainly am. Imagine what it is like, listening to people whining about themselves all day long")

I have not been drinking. I am eating healthyfoods - both to lose weight and be healthy. I am taking my naps. I am trying, largely, to be more productive and hard working at my job. I am also painfully addicted to Bubble Witch Saga on facebook. I gave up trying to be a Wax Only Hair removal person and bought some razors. I have been using sudocrem on my face instead of moisturiser. I slept with a friend of mine, again, on purpose, and didn't tell anyone. I went for a walk with the Married Man, talked about the stars and let him kiss me - and then realised I didn't want to do that again. Of course, I might, because I'm an idiot.

The awkward thing about being damaged is that one doesn't always know if one is doing something, or not doing something, because one wants to, doesn't want to, or that one is being driven by some subconcious dysfunctional baggage. It leads one to doing stupid things, hunkering down and assessing, scouting missions, hiding, faking, acting, and predictably, drinking. The unfortunate thing is that despite it all, it is still almost impossible to work out which is which.

Which is, apparently, Life.

Ahhh.