May 17, 2012
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old dogs
One of my biggest flaws (in my mind) is my total lack of mental discipline for things that do not interest me. My ability to be distracted is almost subclinical, it is the driving force behind my grand under achievement in life. My attention span is fleeting at best and I have learned, over the years, to be quite picky about the things that I apply my streak of perfectionism too. So it is with some incredulity that I am able to report that in the last week or so I have productively Done My Job. All of it. As it turns out, it isn't that hard at all. Very possibly easier than avoiding work - something that I am a master at. The beauty of it is that as well as being able to smugly provide people with answers to their work related questions, I have been able to progress at a pleasing pace in Bubble Witch Saga. PLUS - I seem to have been able to NOT take a midday nap all week, which mayormaynotbe related to the increasing, echoing distance from my last drink. Ok, so it has only been 5 days, but hey, look at me being sensible. Behaviour being effectively reinforced with my noticable weight loss. Hurrah.
Another flaw that seems to be spotlit at present is my tendancy to 'over think' things. It has never really bothered me, ever. The process of my head injury treatment has laid bare my personality traits and behavioural quirks, my strengths, and things that apparently may compromise my recovery. It has been a quite hateful experience, making me terribly glad that I have been quite blessed with some quite fabulous therapists over time. The OT that works with me is lovely - the neurologist was nice - it was only the neuropsychologist who enraged me - but the knowledge of people DISCUSSING me is quite unnerving. The good thing is that I have been able to get some sessions with Amanda funded by the concussion service.
My feelings about therapy these days are quite mixed. I haven't quite settled down to how I view the process now - I wasn't expecting to be plunged into a 'bad patch' so abruptly and I feel very embarrassed about the things that I find myself sharing. Being a mother changes so much - being a good mother, the BEST mother is my biggest priority, so I am ashamed at the self indulgent feelings and thoughts that I can't ignore. I feel ashamed to admit to feeling sad - even with the pure joy of Tom in my life. It drives my darkness underground, which is why I have committed to these few sessions with Amanda before she goes on maternity leave again - maybe stop things getting deep rooted. I told her some of my most embarrassing thoughts yesterday when I met with her - I may have to tell her them again to ensure they don't build up any power inside my head. I don't entirely understand why, but I can say that I do feel more positive since I spoke with her yesterday - an inkling more positive.
