May 24, 2012

• there seems to be a pattern in my blogging. Well, a repeat. Last week, this week. I'm easily convinced.

  So, I went to see my therapist on Tuesday. It was hard for me, in my head, although the discussion wasn't distressing. Being challenged is never comfortable, and is never what you want at the time. She has come up trumps again, with a subconscious resurgance days later - ideas that I think I reject, suddenly popping up again and apparently I have already processed it.

  Today, I had an uninteresting battle with myself over eating. Or not. Suddenly, her bloody words were in my head. The consequences change. Once you get better (head injury energy, etc) it won't be an issue. I heard myself replying in 100% anorexic responses. I argued with myself, and I felt that old guilt and shame and embarrament rise up. Although it didn't make it any less uncomfortable, the awareness/dejavu of the futlity of my dumb arguements are obvious. Enough to think about howgood I will feel to take control - that giving myself over to the predictable regime of an ed is NOT control, well, not a control that I want. I suddenly remembered how great I felt last year in myself. I DO want to feel that again.

  Tonight, I don't know if it is enough to convince me to eat dinner, but it is certainly a shift.

  And I have never known so many swift shifts before. Hurrah therapy - hurrah timeframes. Maybe it is good that things aren't open ended, this time around.

  • 3:55 am
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