I assume, at times, that my thoughts/states/decrees/mindsets could be a STAGE. One never knows if one will uncover some profound factoid that will turn everything upside down. So, I have learned to slow down and wait things out a bit. 

When things don't change much, no matter how much you stare at them, ignore them, play with them or rearrange them, you have to wonder if that is IT.

If that is the case - I don't belong. Not in a martyred woe is meeeeeeee way. Honest. In the way of I get what people are saying or think they are saying, and I GET that they disagree with me, but I just feel like we are talking across a cultural divide. It does feel very I'm OK-You're OK (but admittedly with a smug twinge of But I Think I'm  MORE OK at times!). No matter what people accuse me of, I don't feel that they can accuse me of a lack of self knowledge, introspection, philosophical and existential exploration or emotional awareness. It grates me significantly when I am judged on my moral stance or beliefs or actions, by people who I consider to be lacking in a very basic level of self awareness. The problem being that I seem to be SURROUNDED by them.

A good friend today accused me of resorting to a 'cop out' to 'justify' my behaviour over an incident that seems to have morally divided me from well, every single person that I know. It irritated me - not because I am offended by being told they think I'm acting badly  - but that she is unwilling to try to understand me first. Only because it really would be interesting and useful and nurturing to discuss my stance (that I UNDERSTAND is 'abnormal') from my side of the fence. Place this in a context of a number of my choices in life that I consider to be a moral issue for myself (especially in relation to environmental and animal treatment issues) run at odds with the same 'in group/society' that condones my apparent transgressions. 

By a cross section of Society I am considered immoral... and my good deeds and efforts are irrelevant. 

I am considered wanton and damaged - I FEEL calmer, more balanced and more mindful and content than I ever have in my life. 

My now-developed patience and zen annoys people. They seek my opinion/thoughts/engagement and find that my offerings are at odds with the desire for Get It Now, That Which is Over There - any advice sounds condescending or irritating. I have three choices in nearly all social interactions at the moment - offer my thoughts - pretend something that is not how I feel - or detach myself emotionally from the conversation. Yep, I get to be alienated or dis-authentic. 

The reason that I am trying to sort all this out in my head is that it does seem way easier and NICER to step back and immerse myself in what makes me happy - but I also know that isolation has some unfortunate side effects on me. 

What a bore.