erm yes two different amandas!

Last night I went through a stack of old photos that I found when clearing the spare room for my friend to stay. This photo is of me with my older cousin in our pool in Sydney. It is probably say, 1987, 1988.. so about 10 years old. My reaction to this photo was predictable - "Oh my goodness, I was so thin!" After drooling over my little stick arms, I realised that at 10 years old, I was sporting my ideal body. Yeah, 10.

I have been home alone all weekend [my father is away abroad]. I look forward to my peace and quiet but am still a little nervy at night. Especially when the dog keeps barking frenziedly at nothing.

And there are random, sudden thunderclaps.

I waste a lot of time. Both literally and figuratively. I want so many things, and avoid so many things that I spend way too much time in fantasy land. The things that I have and the place where I am can feel so far removed from where I think I belong, that I switch off.

I belong in the 1970s, in rural England. Possibly on some sweeping estate landscaped by Capability Brown, with a stable full of glossy ponies that I ride with gloves and a tweed hacking jacket through quiet country lanes.

[I probably shouldn't steal photos from the National Portrait Gallery]

Alternatively, a quiet village in the Cotswolds with a village green. I go to church on Sundays (impossibly old church), buy my groceries at the village shop and potentially, organise the annual pony club gymkhana  on the lawns of the local Big House (which I would NEVER call a 'Stately Home'). I go to the local Hunt Ball and drink Bucks Fizz.

Where was I? Not in 2008, that is for sure. So many daydreams, so little time.

If you didn't know better, you would think that the world was burning. This morning, the sun was like a giant glowing egg yolk.

I am chronically guilty about so many things. Catholicism is the gift that keeps on giving, I have heard. I am guilty that although I don't eat meat, I wear leather shoes and have leather horse tack. I tsk tsk at Japan whaling, but cheese - a product of a revolting dairy industry. I am guilty about my petrol use - my electricity use - my rubbish generation, etc etc.

I've been mulling over this lately and it all came to a head one night, when I was watching TV. A little stoned. I was thinking that all the things being advertised were just SUCH CRAP. Overpackaged, unnecessary, overpriced crap. I felt suddenly, overwhelmingly guilty about being part of a wasteful, consumer driven society.

Since then, I have been paying attention to what resources I use - either directly, or as part of the life cycling of the products I buy. I have started asking myself, what could I do differently?

What food can I grow for myself? How much electricity do I really need to use? What luxuries can I really do without? How much thinner would I be if I lived the Good Life?!

It is a work in progress, but something that I feel good about. It is things that might seem simple to most people, but I have been too passive for too long and haven't even thought about them. For example, there are several farmers markets nearby that I never go to - it isn't always convenient for me, so I end up buying produce from the supermarket. I am going to make an effort to go to the farmers market every week and buy fruit and vegies. In the spring, I'm going to start growing  my own. I am going to look at getting some chickens to get eggs from - we actually have  a chicken house up in the back of the property that has never been used! I have been lighting candles at night when I am just relaxing instead of turning a lamp on...I have been preparing food for Patsy and Eddy rather than feeding them processed animal food...

It is silly but I am enjoying my little project and although I am not going to move into a forest hut and eat bark, I will at least be doing my best and hopefully save some money in the process. And lose some weight.

The things that I have acheived the last couple of days have been by default. I have left paperwork piling up on my desk that I really need to sort out. Other people are on holidays - no one to look over my shoulder. Lovely jubbly. Was going to fire that guy today... for once, he seemed to work out what the gig was and he resigned before I could. AND I employed not one, but TWO new guys! All go here I tell you.

After a week of revolting stormy rain that has turned the paddocks to slush (and meant that pilot has gone through a section of grazing in two weeks that should have, by rights, lasted two months!) we have stunning blue sky - which of course means bloody cold. This morning and yesterday woke up to a bitter frost. Now, I know you northerners are used to far, far worse.. which also means you PREPARE for it. We seem to pretend that we are subtropical- my house doesn't have heating, no double glazing... everything just carries on as normal except that it is sodding cold. I slept fully clothed last night it was so cold! Not good. Eddy does a good job as a hot body, but the cold was winning. It didn't help that I decided that I smoke weed too much now and that I shouldn't. I lay awake for about an hour feeling quite energetic. That sucked.

Last night, the cat didn't come in for her dinner. I hate it when she does that. She came in about 9pm, crashing fatly through the catdoor. Eddy was huddled in front of the gas heater so didn't even chase.

Don't be alarmed!!! I am just very, very drunk!!!

Today I discovered that my abercrombie cropped tweed blazer looks BETTER with tits!! What do you know. I have always loved the blazer but had to admit it wasn't that flattering on me... always looked a little boxy. With bigger boobs though, it is my new favourite item of clothing. Has totally distracted me from the fact that my New York jeans aren't looking like they used to. Grrrr.

Had a nice sushi lunch with my friend Ronnie... I am enjoying being part of our re-emerging friendship. In some ways it is like making a new friend! We have hurt each other so badly in the past but it is true - time can heal some pretty nasty wounds. It has been great to get her perspective on all this therapy stuff too - she is another avid Client!! Plus, she knew me back when I started seeing Fiona and has known me at my most fucked up.

It is pouring with rain and windy and miserable so I am going to cheer myself up with a summer photo.